Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
I'm drunk and I'm watching it's Alwyas Sunny and eating candy. Even I am jealosu of my life
The view from the bathroom floor this morning is fabulous
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
Just start grabbing cocks. It can't go wrong! Just say you thought you knew him and wanted to check.
I was just reelected president of justgotlaidsylvania
This football player keeps talking about his drunk dad. I think he may start crying. Does this deserve a roll tide?
Was almost hungover and got scared, skipped hungover, back to hammered. Fuck real life
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
Every time he asks me if I'm horny I'm just like come on...stupid question
He's under the table sobbing because he doesn't live in a taco if you ever get him this high again I will stab you
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
My boyfriend told me that I said I wanted to "feast on her vagina"... Glad I don't remember.
I apologize for there being a shopping cart in the living room. I don't know how why or where i got it.
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
Randomize
