So I walked out of my room and there was my brother....standing naked
until you tell me otherwise ill assume we're playing "cavity search" the homeland security game to spice up our sex life
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
I want a burrito.
Truly, you are the voice of a generation.
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
dont eat that thats our sex nutella.
So you're saying you don't want to be with her anymore because she likes sex to much and is just to hot?
Well when you say it that way it makes me sound like an idiot.
You are an idiot.
Tempting guys with beer and cheese. How Midwestern are we?
Question: When you have the names of 4 guys tattoo'd on you, how do you make the 5th one real special?
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
do you know of a way I can die but like NOT die? like not being unconcious, just ascending to an astral plane for a few weeks or months in real world time so i can sort my issues out away from the rigors of life kinda deal, you know?
in the future we should consider sippy cups so we can drink and passout accordingly
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
