I just pynch a tree in the face
well look at the bright side
maybe you can be on an episode of "I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant"
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
we tried to steer you away from them but you just kept yelling 'i need dick' and going back. sorry.
Just got a blow job while taking my online quiz. How is life in the dorms treating you?
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
you puked in the bathtub and said "let them pee"
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
I was so ripped I had a natty light box over my head carrying a spray bottle out in the streets trying to give car washes.
How many nights in 2015 can we have no one get injured, run away crying, or get into a brawl?
I can't sleep. Send Llama pictures.
His dick is social distance approved
Social distance approved?
big enough for me to fuck from six feet away
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
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