i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
i wish there were pregnant emoticons
i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
Well i tried snorting sugar. so either that made me puke or the fact that i drank water from a fish tank
My password hint says "not sunset, also facebook." i need to stop doing computer things while high. I will never figure this clue out.
She fell asleep with me.... We found her pantsless in the dogbed in the morning... Russian foreign exchange students
Omg no. We ate a raw pumpkin last nighr. We dipped it in BBQ sauce.
I'm not sure if I should be proud of you for having morals or disappointed in you for letting your sex life get this sad.
His pick-up lines are quotes from Doctor Who. Of course I fucked him.
You're at a grade school volley ball game with a yeti of tequila. You've passed extra
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
Optimism doesn't exist before 2pm nor do any other emotions.
Randomize
