She had hickeys... what's up with that?? HAHAHA
Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
As we walked into his room, he said welcome to the hurt locker. I should have left, but I love that movie.
That's ok. Our relationship has a solid foundation of booze and questionable behavior.
i find it unbelievable that you didn't think it was necessary to intervene when i started letting people autograph my body with spray tan.
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
Thanks bro
there's fuck elsewhere to go, I'll be there with 8 lbs of bronzer on my tits
the whole bar just wished me luck with my booty call tonight
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
Surely the maintenance men have seen worse than that condom right
Your friend gave me you're number. I was the guy locked behind the book shelf.
I think you have the wrong number, but I hope you escaped your library-prison?
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
Randomize
