Her sister's ass was worth my getting thrown out of the house.
so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
Moral of the story: If you're gonna throw a glass of wine in a guy's face, don't do it in your own kitchen.
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
i can't believe he threw up on you. Well thats what you get for being DD. I used the sombreros as a shield!
stalking the twitter feeds of girls who have fucked my current fuck buddy makes me glad we use condoms
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
Take a shit and have a hit. It's the Sunday Funday Rule.
I mixed Jack with hot chocolate. This may be the best or worst idea ever. I have yet to find that out
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
GOD DAMN IT I COULD HAVE HAD A MOTHERFUCKING 3 WAY LAST NIGHT. WHY BOOZE, WHY?!
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