I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
to be honest..when i was little i used to think sharks can swim out of drains and eat people
So after i got done, she went over and got out her gecko, I felt like I was in an X rated geiko commercial.
just saw bouncers outside a coffee shop. beginning to question humanity.
she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."
little did she know i was taping her the whole time.
You threw a hot dog at his face...I wouldn't call you either.
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
She was trying to drink out of the beer bong and she thought it didn't work. Little did she know there was no beer in there. Then she got mad at us. Girls.
He just walked in the house and decided to wake everyone up by yelling "I SHIT MYSELF!" We all thought he was joking....we were all wrong.
tbh I think I just dated him for his dogs in the first place.
He kept screaming "I am the thunder!" when he was riding me.
Nothing cures your heart after a boy calling you unattractive than a big fat dick
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
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