I know, he also has a fancy car to make up for his tiny penis
We're like two naked peas in a sex pod.
where'd the toddler underneathe the beer pong table come from?
Tell him next time im gonna be "disgrace to the family" drunk
Oh and probably wearing a life jacket instead of clothes didn't help things either
I just need to repress my desire to share my impressive chugging abilities with the world and I won't black out so much
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
Is it inappropriate to match with someone on tinder just to ask if the friend in his profile picture is single?
My life has hit a new low, I just licked MDMA of someone's bed.
Vacuum the place before you go out of town there are random glitter cocks everywhere
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
I want to meet people. Preferably ones with penises
woke up with a tree in my apartment. also the everclear bottle is suspiciously low
suspiciously? i think one of those explains the other
Randomize
