I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
Either I'm losing my touch or ED is running rampant in 20 something men now
She's yelling about threesomes and realllly wants you to come over. Put the pieces together.
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
It took him three days to realize his roommate had moved out.
Your drinking has interfered with your drinking. I bet you could get a scholarship to a rehab. Thats pro-level
I was told my cock was a religious experience.
I'M SO WET FOR FREEDOM
Shame?!? Shame only comes from getting naked in front of strangers and it not being awesome
Just tried to dig out holes in my mattress for my boobs so I could be comfortable lying down on my stomach
Are you 5:30 blackout again?
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
I’m on my third beer doing poppers in the shower to no doubt
She’s fine. Found her in the bathtub eating Cheerios and watching Rugrats on an iPad.
Randomize
