Nick had a break down & said to me "Everybody's mad at me, I'm the douchebag, Im the fucking douchebag that everyone hates, Do you wanna come home with this douchebag?!"
You're going home with him aren't you?
I'll see ya in the morning when I leave his house
There is something just so refreshing and wonderful about an uninterrupted morning poop in the office.
yeah seriously, fuck school. I'm changing my master's thesis question from "what are the neuropsychological correlates of antisocial personality" to "will my cat drink this beer"
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
while being fingered today, I was told I have an abnormally deep g-spot. Now you know, I am a size queen because of SCIENCE.
He keeps whispering to me that he can't wait to tie my hands up with my wig?
She just got out of the car and said "hold on purse.. It's going to be a bumpy ride"
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
Your brother slept on my deck. There was a key under the mat. Relapse party success.
So, I actually said the words "but face tattoos are sexy"
The sex was totally worth how awkward its gonna be for the next few weeks
So I slept with some guy last night and when I woke up in the am couldnt remember his name. I text him n asked "How do you spell your name?" to try n find out and all he replied was "With an A." WTF!?
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
His nipple licking is glorious
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