I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
today he pulled me aside to show me a lawn mower that he drew above his pubes. I saw his pubes in all their glory. Right there. In spanish class. Hola.
you were crying while pretty ricky was playing, what did you want me to do
drunk enough to drink jager bombs out of a bowl on the kitchen floor.
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
I walked in on you rubbing your nose all over his face while straddling him and yelling "I'M SO SORRY!" repeatedly. I'd say you were in pretty good shape at that point in the night.
You know where a good place to spend summer is? In your head. High as shit. It doesn't matter where you are.
Can't a woman sleep on the floor in her own apartment in peace without being judged?
"He was so not worth staining my backseat for."
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
If you don't see me at the bar tomorrow night, I was most likely captured by the communists.
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
It was like Strip poker and blow, but with Yu-Gi-Oh cards
Randomize
