eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
With such a small dick you'd think he'd try to make up for it with some sort of personality.
counting down the days left of school on my birth control packet.
This does no justice to the amount of paint I'm covered in or the amount of balls I'm tripping.
I just remembered our "im drunk enough to look at your vagina" conversation. Is that offer still valid? I really think I need a second opinion
Please please please tell me that is not a pringles container full of pee that your little brother just got a hold of.....
Her pussy was so beautiful. That's what I'LL miss the most. Not the omelets. You're the roommate, obviously our priorities on this situation are vastly different.
After seeing how much you are able to funnel in a night, I am 90% sure your blood is pure gin.
plus there's no nice way to tell a guy you physically hate the shape of their cock.
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
I look like i have multiple stab wounds in my foot and there are footprints from the elevator to my room. What happened?
Seriously, fuck work.
uh yea I'm curled up in the trunk of my car
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
This pandemic, it’s making everyone horny. I’ve got dick stashed all over town
Randomize
