My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
its my first week of college and i have a UTI
not easy being a whore now is it
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
I know you're trying to keep the moaning to a minimum but the banging on the wall is totally giving you away
We were talking about threesomes when she went to say who she would have as her third. She did not get to finish her sentence because her bf already said my name.My sheer presence destroys relationships.
Challenge: Try to have your balls hanging out in every picture you take tonight
Challenge Accepted
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
I had a great time except for the part where you called another guy, told him you were in a cab - not on a date - and that you'd meet him at a bar in 15 minutes. but besides that it was awesome. Next time capping you at two glasses of wine
You're always so generous when it comes to your dick.
I was thinking that maybe I should not apply to Wells Fargo because they def have me on candid camera taking a drunken nap at 3am in their lobby.
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
WE SHOULD MAKE A WORKOUT ROUTINE CALLED BARCARDIO
He called us the '3 Amigos' and told us if hos ex wife came we had to jump the porch railing and hide in the bushes.
When he pulled out it sounded like a balloon deflating
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