she just made me lysol my hands in order to touch her tits.
But sometimes ur dick treats me better than u do
he must have thought the song was "ejacuate on the dance floor"
Contrary to what I yelled at them last night, it turns out campus police CAN arrest people...
She checked into foursquare right as she left work so he would think she was there late and not on some other guy's dick
I have to say for barely passing high school, that girl is a genius.
theres a wall by my room thats like, a prime fucking wall. before i move out SOMEBODY is gonna fuck me on that wall, goddamnit.
Let's just say that watching the sunrise in a space helmet is really the only way to do it.
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
I hope I bought a crossbow. Also I need to not drink that much
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
It's called "lets see how many European capitals we can do the walk of shame through in one year"
They figured our he was high when he told the manager he wanted a break to go wrap his dick in toliet paper and pretend it was a ghost.
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
I'm definitely single now but she stole my mailbox
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
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