dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
Also I am about to cut a ringtone from "Sex Machine" so James Brown can tell me to "get up, get on up" in the morning
I once woke up to the scream from 'get up offa that thing' and smacked my head on my desk
At least the cops kept you away from sleeping with her. Protect and Serve.
WHAT DO YOU MEAN I DIDN'T APOLOGIZE? THERE WAS A PEACE OFFERING MADE VIA TACO BELL.
we got cut off at 8 am. He spilled his drink three times on the plane. this should be one hell of a vegas trip
Dude you couldnt even talk, you just kept hiccuping and slamming your head on the wall.
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
I just explained it as we hate everyone in the world more then we hate each other. Thus making us friends. Plus we drink...a lot
I think drinking is the foundation of our friendship
I have a weapon and I'm not blacked out. Good as gold
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
I bought 10 disposable adhesive bras and duct tape. If Home Depot can't help my breasts defy gravity, nothing will...
LMAO
My moms new boyfriend looks like Stu Pickles if he was in a biker gang. He gave me free coke though, so come party?
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
Randomize
