Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
Umm you don't wanna know how many "I'm sorry for calling you last night" fb wallposts I just had to write...
Pretending to care to care about playoffs in exchange for free shots. I'm sorry in advance.
You sent her a pic of your dick with 'guess what you cant have anymore' written on it with a marker.
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
Shrimp lo Mein doused in green apple Smirnoff is a rare delicacy only a few get to experience..guess I should consider myself lucky
Who the fuck superglued glowsticks to my arm.
Oh and no more ball pics to my family. Got in a little trouble over that. They have no sense of humor.
The memory of your penis haunts me. I must learn to be satisfied with lesser men than you.
This kid wants me to stop partying. Like I have only known you for 5 days. Chill.
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
we woke up when the front wall of the house caught fire.
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
Randomize
