my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
I'm on page 4.
Im on beer infinity
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
Yes..we had amazing sex that I have a 50 percent chance of remembering.
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
you were leaning up against the wall pulling your shirt up asking girls to dance on you. your courage to do that is both admirable and frightening.
I'm hoping they send me home from work drunk.
I'm not having the "why are your fucking my daughter" talk and the "your a drug addict" talk with your mom tonight.
Last time we had an ultimatum like that, things went very far south. I'm down, but it's your turn to wake up in a hospital.
i wear a size 32DD bra. its basically impossible for me to get a speeding ticket
I just want to slap everyone in the face that's happy being sober. Loser.
He asked if we were going to take advantage of his drunken state. When we said no he tired to show us what we were missing out on. It was so sad it almost made him cute.
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
Randomize
