I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
Say something about gay babies.
did you know delaware is a STATE? HOLY CRAP! i didn't till i was hitting on this chick and asked her when she said she was from delaware, which state that was in. crazyness
dude i woke up in a pile of chocolate chips. this has to stop happening
I came so hard that my back seriously popped like 5 times.
Just had to find a way to explain to the border patrol that we were coming into canada "for about a half hour to have one last under 21 drink before kendals birthday at midnight." He said ok and told us where the closest bar was. Nice man.
I am broke enough to accept it. If I get poisoned, you can have my shoes
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
My roommate just walked in with a case of beer locked himself in his room and told us he was going to masturbate his feelings away...
Normally, it will inspire me to work. Today, it's inspiring me to masturbate.
I got really adventurous too. Like. Balls in the mouth adventurous.
I FOUND THE LEGS
Drunk him got in a fight with his wife he literally bought a plane ticket and flew to Hawaii. He just called me and asked why I let it happen. From Hawaii hahaha.
Wearing my one sleeve dress...thought you'd like to know I shaved ONE armpit lol
And a hot pocket after we fucked. Heaven.
Randomize
