My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
he pissed his pants, and she still wants to hook me up with him. I try not to date guys with bladder control problems... Unless they're loaded anyway.
So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
Im holding a competition......who saw me last, and who knows how my nose got bruised? you earn points for answering either question. and for bringing me water.
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
It's like that depressing moment when you drop your cocaine in the snow.
we're almost there. Shes pounding on the car window telling the nurse whos on a smoke break to fuck off.
i jsut waqnnna hugg thw crap outa sokme peoplee
i know i said i'd always be there for you, but i'm beginning to think that what you call "being there for me" the american judicial system calls reckless endangerment.
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
Kinda forgot to grab tampons. Mind if I run to my house to get one? I'd rather not turn my green skinny jeans Christmas colors
And the sky opened up and god said.... "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!!!!"
He's gonna be so upset when he get's a real job and can't do serious drugs.
You've changed since you got that strap on
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