When I saw him standing at full height, I realized exactly how much his body structure reminds me of his penis.
I feel like my nuva ring should have a vibrating switch.
I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
No fireworks. Throwing the old microwave off the deck.
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
i wish his balls had a scratch and sniff sticker elsewhere so i would know before i even went down there
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
Yep I can make a seagull sound. It's identical. I tried it. They thought I was talking to them. It's pretty cool.
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
no, I didn't go in the end. Too hungover and hot, plus Star Wars is on so obviously I'm having a naked day.
you really need to remember next time not to write your name and phone number on the paper its wrapped in.
But what if it got lost?
its illegal. you dont want people to contact you if they find it.
It is a fiery spray of napalm-covered beautiful words that leave a flaming "fuck you" on the ground after I destroy him.
Interesting, I was always told to run away from crazy, but you seem to think we should run towards them dick first.
I'm too picky for internet dating and by picky I mean psycho.
Bro I rebuilt the dungeon in animal crossing visit me
Broooo
Randomize
