I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
Today's life lesson: fat girls should not wear tight miniskirts and vinyl leggings. This Forever 21 salesgirl is a hot mess.
Taking my final with a coffee mug full of keystone... best semester ever.
He just kept telling me how to do certain things. It was like I was fucking my sex ed teacher
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
is it too early in the day to continue our conversation about penis shapes?
He wanted to take a picture with our pizza to show his mom that I was pretty but more importantly that he practices in "sober" activities
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
He just turned 21, it's very obvious the end of their relationship is near. Now we play the waiting game.
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
It's like you know you got fucjed up when you wake up and check fir your own pulse
Good. Sleepy. In the middle of a pregnancy scare. The usual.
he told me that he only likes small dogs. I should have known he was going to end up being little bitch.
Randomize
