it was all good till he told me to dance slow and quiet
Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
He said finals are more important than getting stoned on 4/20. I'm proud in a disappointing kinda way
He fell asleep and they duct taped him to the floor. He's pissed.
now I know why they wanted me to come. apparently gay guys are stripper magnets
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
Please come home, i don't want to feel like basket garbage girl but I'm in your alleyway and not sure how to change that.
Do you think blood ever gets sick of carrying all these drugs around?
Like, there are so many different things we make it do, and it just wants to settle down and be a one-drug fluid?
Stop reading WebMD high.
Someone left me hummas on my door step between the hours of 1am-3am
I mean I only got hit in the ass with ONE firework
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
Your drunk self managed to not pee on anyone's bed
Go me
I'm actually proud
I need to find a divorced guy with a boat and let my tits do the talking
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