there should be laws that require people like to me to be on birth control.
what am i going to do when LOST is over? What am i going to get high to?
it was such a weird mix, KFC and penis
He sent me a pic and IT CURVED OUT OF THE PICTURE! Curved. Out. Of. The. Picture.
He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
We found you naked curled up in a ball in the closet, using a gorilla suit as a blanket
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
And I might get them triple pierced after that
Damn, I didn't realize you'd declared war on airport metal detectors
Never go with a hippy to a second location. I fucking hate Xanax.
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
When campus security rolled up he stole their car and drove it like 100 feet. Then he walked up and gave back the keys because it was a hyundai.
1 why did you tell them where i peed last night and 2 where the fuck are you
Sorry. Im too sleepy to penis.
Randomize
