he texted me telling him i gave him the clap. but i think he gave it to me and i gave it back to him
I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
Don't fret. That vag would have consumed a lesser man.
Since my computer broke, i've been masterbating to girls gone wild. I feel like i'm in the 90's.
The mystery has been solved. Seagulls have sex doggy-style.
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
You rolled around on the floor, yelled about being a "half-zombie" and bit that guy on the leg who was hitting on me.
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
I appear to have wine on my toes. I am really not clear as to how this happened. I'm gonna have a little lie down.
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
Randomize
