Saw some pubes in our toilet, hope the new look works out tonight.
I have to collect my sorority sisters from greek row... I hate how being dd is a night and morning job
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
My own mom unfriended me on Facebook.
morning after pill = breakfast in bed
She passed out in his mom's bed and when we went to go get her she went 'no its cool I live here'.
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
Well it's 2pm. Time for another game of "Who, What, Where". The game where you try to guess who this girl is, what happened last night, and where'd your shit go. I'm going for 1/3 today.
That's better than I've done so far.
Just got your message from Saturday. Shove all the kittens down your pants? Really?
I was emotionally compromised.
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
The sweaty, naked apartment dance party wasn't complete until I threw the whole jar of glitter on us. It was like the icing.
Yeah, we agreed, but I feel like I need at least one more ride on the bonecoaster
Nothing makes the walk of shame as great as disapproval from a mom getting ready for work
Randomize
