I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
so Mike and I made a deal. we'd do anal if he would help me pick out carpet tomorrow.
What...you let him do that?
It wasnt that bad. the two minutes it took is nothing compared to the 10 hr day I have planned for him tomorrow
hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
If I buy you $300 worth of popeyes, will that make up for me trashing the house?
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
I wouldn't fuck her. Looks like her vagina smells like a seaside orgy.
He said it. He actually said "yes it's in".
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
I'm drawing the line at your vagina. I will not accompany you to get that pierced and/or tattooed. There's got to be some mystery to our relationship.
Up until today, I never would have thought I'd have to tell someone not to color on the cat
It's the warm chocolate goeyness of a brownie combined with the heavenly taste of weed-smell... Why have I never done this before?
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
Randomize
