oh right, i forgot that not everyone has a go-to blowjob
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
you kept running around the room with a flask shouting "so much room for activities!" then someone tripped you and you passed out
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
then mid-sex he looked at me and said "i hope this is as good for you as it is for me" and kept going.
We had an indepth conversation about his employment at Arbys..
Listen to my proposal.... I feed you crackers while I fuck you ever so gently.
Dude I walked 1.4 miles through the hotel wearing a cowboy hat, pink topped boots, gucci shades, and a scarf and met my parents in the hallway at 7 am how is this not a good start to Vegas?
I can't tell if my roommate is crying or having sex and the fact that there's anime in the background is only making this more confusing
How do I figure out the name of this sleeping naked guy in my bed?
I just put condoms in a mason jar because it looked prettier than the box.I think I've peaked.
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
I miss you and I miss your weed. Come home.
Randomize
