I would fuck her until my dick fell off. then i would fuck her with your dick.
Scream out, "Tax-Free dick over here" in the bar. Ladies love tax free stuff
i noticed he has a cardboard window on his car and he told me he locked his keys in his car and had to break in...this only makes him more appealing
Having a race with the dryer. Seeing who can get drunk/dry clothes faster.
I am currently listening to someone take a shit. I hate the hole in the ceiling.
there's a girl in the coffee shop just eating a pint of ben & jerry's
SMART GIRL
and let me tell you something, handcuffs are surprisingly uncomfortable when they arent being used in a sexual manner
He told me to come in and have some water before I drove home, my vagina didn't stand a chance escaping. We didn't even make it to the kitchen.
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
What do you want to swallow. Press 1 whiskey press 2 rum
Justin just used the term "industrial strength colon blow".
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
I forget how to act sober
Randomize
