I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
Totally smoking with fifteen year olds.
Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
I don't think cute and don't forget to get tested belong in the same text
I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
I can do it, this is my punishment and I will accept it, plus id like to see the look on peoples faces when I throw up on them
I love you. I'm too high for this. Find a way. Make it happen. Live strong.
I demand visitation hours with the duck.
I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.
You're going to be mad because I got baked, but not that mad because I'm bringing home kfc.
I just ate your leftovers whilst watching Garfield and Friends. Thank you across the board.
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
Living alone for four weeks has given me unrealistic expectations of pantslessness.
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
Randomize
