what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
I have hooked up with someone in EVERYONE OF MY CLASSES.
That's how you know you deserve to be a senior
I can trace it back to that drunken night where we peed on each other in the shower.
Lost gin update. Blackout me found and re-hid the bottle. Left a note to myself saying, "GOOD LUCK, SUCKER!"
You know your high, when your chugging applesauce out of the jar with no utensils.
The guy who just got ate on True Blood had the same balls as you.
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
I'm not gonna lie, my internet creeping skills scare me. I'm like Liam Neeson in Taken
So I told him "To answer your question yes I am naked making pizza pops in your kitchen"
Had a moment of weakness, slept with my ex last night
So that's why our room smells like tequila and shame.
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
Randomize
