Watching marley and me... this girls got me whipped man
So my teacher figured out I made a drinking game out of her lecture. Once my drink was gone she let us out. Happy St. Patricks day class. Your welcome
She put baby oil on her toes and i am not legally allowed to talk about what happened
FYI...Jose likes Shamrock shakes better than Jack
If I don't survive tonitght I would like to thank you for the ricekrispy treats. I am majestic
Hey so when you left last night was i wearing shoes?
Nothing says "I mean business" like using a cart at the liquor store.
Weed is now completely legal in Colorado and Washington. I repeat weed is now legal! I'm putting a deposit down on a house as we speak.
ROADTRIP.
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
WHAT IF I SAT OUTSIDE AND STARTED SCREAMING THE LYRICS TO O CANADA WOULD THAT FIX IT
PLEASE DON'T
My roommate told me he found me naked in the shower puking and when he asked why I was naked I said "you can't wear clothes in a shower"
I just want to have sex and eat dumplings. Is that so much to ask?
While having sex, a German accent isn't sexy.
"The More You Know"
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
i survived drinking for 24 hours, an 8 ball of cocaine and a threesome. I think you can handle moving.
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