ed mcmahon, farrah fawcett, and michael jackson all in one week. What next god, are you juts gonna take my penis too?
there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
we where pretty evenly matched until he threw me through that wall
He spent 6 hours at the ER after crashing a motorcycle and still came to the bar, Ofcourse I went home with him. He's my hero.
We left your bucket of puke on your doorstep to clean out yourself. You're welcome.
That's why I don't chug things. Because when I was a freshman in college tequila came out my nose.
I drew a giraffe.. But she did say that bumped that test up from a 39 to a 40. It's the little things.
He came over to use the microwave, said he needed to heat up some urine.
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
His arresting officer when they were busting up the squat party recognized him from the anti-drone protest. He was like Jesus kid, you were sober last time.
And now you understand the importance of Saturday naps.
Because you stay up all night having sex and eating sushi?
So why are your hands bright blue and have you seen my roommate.
Both questions will answer each other.
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
Fuck these bullshit days. My underwear are still inside out.
Took an adderall for the first time in a few weeks. Spent 45 minutes peeling an orange TO PERFECTION.
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