I've come to the conclusion that if I was an old man, I would perve around in short gym shorts for kicks.
dude we gotta go shopping. I made pancakes this afternoon and used them as sandwich bread.
We're doing the donut challenge later. How many can we fit on his erect penis. Needless to say we get along well.
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
Tell her to buy some booze and drink away her sorrows like an adult.
The realization of how permanent those tattoos really were set in this morning... I am SO sorry.
There are 18k people at the game and I'm next to the one guy who pulls his underwear down to his ankles to piss.
He seemed like a really nice guy. He tried to dry my shirt because someone spilled their drink on me. I think that's how I ended up topless on his dryer.
Dave when you find that upper decker at your house its from me but its for Jill not you
The cop told us he we helped him pass his monthly bong quota. He almost ran out of room on the hood of his car..
Trying to take a nap and my brain decides to play "lets have flashbacks every time you blew it with a chick in college". It's a montage of stupidity and youthful inexperience. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
Let's play "Guess What I Just Found In My Vagina?"
Out of all the things you could eat off of my tits you choose lettuce? Thats so healthy. Yuck.
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
You're a FUCKING ASSHOLE. Love mom
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