How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
i drank out of my shoe...were you seriously expecting me to be the voice of reason?
He was very impressed that you could put your hair in a ponytail by yourself while throwing up.
id say bad/good trip...at first I wanted to claw off my skin... but then when i tried i ended up tickling myself for an hour.
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
Note to self. The tub labelled "not water" does not contain water.
This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.
It's like the dark age of my sex life being stuck here
Thanks for the bagel and the sex.
My hot gay tattoo artist grew a beard and I'm not taking it well.
As a gentleman whose genital hole is relatively small, you could imagine my reaction
it was an ACCIDENT
it was a DICK
Ugh. My life is a never ending cycle of bad decisions and taquitos.
I fell out of my bed whilst trying not to move this morning. I AM ADULT
I had ice cream for breakfast two days in a row.
SUPER ADULTS
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