If I had a nickel for every time my parents threatened to stop paying tuition I would be a very rich man. Rich enough to pay my own tuition.
Chris threw beer can at guy. Guy ended up being a fighter. Chris got his eye socket broke. Fighter got hand re-broke. Chris is passed out. Fighter is in kellys bed. everybody won last night. I think.
Can you come get Dustin he's putting taco bell fire sauce on cigarettes trying to light them again.
8===D
That's the bat signal to come over and fuck me.
I was woke up by the fucking Star Spangled Banner this morning. I sat up in bed and put my hand over my naked heart. I was so confused
Im in my back seat in my own drive way with two beers left to shotgun and watching the sunrise. Am I over her yet?
He came over in a blaze orange vest with a case of beer and a shotgun yelling about "Dove Season" then passed out in the lawn. There he lies
The bartender had to walk me home last night. New high or new low?
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
Goodnight Shia. Goodnight Moon.
You know you hit Mardi Grad bottom when you come to in someone's kitchen on the floor and you are eating gumbo out of a Mixing bowl with a ladle......yeah rock fucking bottom
I think he fucked my hip out of place.
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
I cant miss out on a half day of work without a booty call
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
Randomize
