I hate u. Im listening to lady gaga and all i can hear is boca base om om om ommmm
There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
either she said she was feeling frisky or eating friskies..i was too drunk to understand.
her parents were awake and in the next room. i think i deserve a big fucking medal for that orgasm.
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
I've banged too many servicemen's wives to still be considered an American.
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
I feel like butter and tequila would be excellent combination. Right now. Please do this in my name.
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
As a gentleman, I asked her if she was sure and she just whispered "wreck me" in my ear. I took that as a green light.
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
With a butt like mine I'll never have to pay for Netflix again.
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
Randomize
