My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
what, no i told him that it wasnt nessesary to put all 5 fingers in my vagina
He’s a liberal pot smoker and perfect for me. He invented a game where we have to smoke a joint every time you hear a Middle Eastern accent on NPR.
His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
well i was about to unbutton his pants but then i realized they had an elastic waste-band, so no, that didnt happen
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
Found a beard hair in my crotch.... care to explain?
it would be cheaper just to buy a dildo to intimidate people with.
he said good things come in small packages and I decided to hook up with someone else
Already at the river; already getting fucked up. And yes that semicolon is legit because those are congruent statemests
It is completely possible to eat beef jerky sexually.
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
Treating myself to outback while reading the entire manual that comes with my birth control in public. Is this what single has come to?
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
Just had the biggest masturbatory crisis ever.
What does that mean?
Internet is down.
Randomize
