I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
i should not be allowed to orgasm that much in one day.
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
Ok there's 63 pics of you jerking it on my camera from New Years. The time stamps say it took you 40 min to get there too. See a doc, your only 22.
by the way whatever wisdom you imparted upon me last night was lost to whatever i smoked out of a beer can.
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
Your cock has been in the back of my throat. Co-worker is no longer a sufficient title. Fix that shit ASAP
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
So I have been told that I licked your eyebrows last night
how should I feel if a guy kept complimenting my bangs while I was giving him a blowjob?
Someone messaged me on POF and wished me a Happy International Women's Day. Why do I even bother anymore?
Step 1: Buy a house Step 2: Turn bedroom into sex dungeon
This couple is walking their pig around campus
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