I passed out in the cab. Woke up to the cabby yelling SIR SIR WE ARE AT THE TRAIN STATION!! SIRRRR!!
happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
I swear my cock just shook it's head disapprovingly at me.
I can't go out tonight I need to save my money for important things.....like rogaine and ecstasy.
Whenever I miss you I just turn on Tool Academy
is there a reason why there is cup of piss in the fridge?
no
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
How did it go last night?
Woke up head half shaved and a burrito? So good and bad?
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
He was the one that got away. From my vagina.
Doing the walk of shame and bringing my dad a newspaper en route. Favourite daughter status confirmed.
University has ruined us all. I just had to clarify the last time I had sex as "No, not at the party we crawled home from in the snow. It was the one where you puked off the balcony and hit the barbecue."
We smoked bowls and watched Cops for what seemed like hours. And yet I know I'll go back.
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
Also mom is not happy about me telling her how much i want the women sprinters on the Olympics to beat me up
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