i need an iv and a liver transplant
This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
I just remember taking her cat for a walk around 3 am then falling asleep in a slide at the park
incase your class ends early, there are three naked guys in our room. but don't get too excited, they're all gay.
It's amazing how many friends she makes simply by carrying that flask of whiskey everywhere she goes.
I smell like gasoline and adventure.
I've decided that my night was probably over when I started eating the penne vodka with my hands.
It's raining beautiful colors and I don't know what the fuck is going on
This guy is clearly nuts his idea of a hangover cure is a six pack poured into a camelpack then hiking 3 miles with a weighted vest. He said "learned it in the army i guess drink beer beat the heat"
should i save it for someone special or be a feminist and be like "my vagina doesnt define me"
Her son walked in on us and asked if he could "wrestle too."
Pennsylvania now holds the distinct honor of being the third state I've crapped my pants in.
Well if YOU HAVE TO KNOW, we're laying across the street from the bar on that grassy hill trying to see who's she's with at the bar.
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
Boredom is so much more tolerable when you're stoned off your ass.
Randomize
