goodnight i made you a song goodbye
i am sick of getting naked and seeing how fat i am.
why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
I just experienced a full blown christian wedding. I am SO GLAD YOUR WEDDING WASNT THIS.
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
I wish orgasms lasted as long as the pain from rug burn
he laminated a picture of his dick.
He asked me to coffee and I had no choice but to be honest. So naturally I told him that sobriety and monogomy are not two of my strong suits.
I tried to stop that, but then I pulled the leaves out of my panties and went to sleep.
I told him finishing at the same time would be a long-term project. Like flipping a house. A sexual house.
Should I be concerned you put your last name in my phone as "danger"?
apparently my buddy was fucking on our couch downstairs so i decided it was necessary to walk downstairs naked in a hockey mask.
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
Ugh... The hoe gods giveth and the hoe gods taketh away.
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
Randomize
