I woke up this morning with a hospital armband on containing all the information off my fake i.d. WTF did we do last night!?!?
Found a bar with a washer and dryer and they serve food. I never have to leave
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
We probably shouldn't have forced that guys cat to drink the grey goose while we were doing lines in his bathroom
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
Hate you missed the after party, I was covered in dish soap gliding bare assed down a slip n slide at 6:30 this morning
There is a mobile STD testing unit set up at my place of employment. In the lunchroom. I may need to reevaluate my career choices. And my lunch plans.
Got high with dad and hunted squirrels in the basement. Is this seriously what my life has come to?
I gather from Facebook you got drunk last night and took semi naked pictures of yourself?
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
He referred to our sex as "an Olympic event." My tits are bruised.
Ah Christ I think I've reached the single life mentality 100%. I just inquired a photographer about a photo shoot with my dog.
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