Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
Seriously. Destroy her vagina. Do it like an angry baboon mating with a gentle manatee.
He soundtracked our prebreakup sex, our breakup, and out postbreakup sex. At least he's dedicated.
There's a warrant out for his arrest for throwing a mannequin through a bus stop.
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
There's a bag in my room with garbage, a thong, fritos, and an electrical cord. I'm assuming it's yours
........yyyyyyeah that's me
Okay I shall begin. Thank you Swedish chef
Hurrfy smmurdshy burrfst!
That is the exact response I was looking for.
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
She had a tattoo on her pelvis that said "it's cock-o-clock" an had clocks and hot dogs exploding away from it. I'd like to tell you it was deal breaker buuuuuuut.......
I told him about the time I blacked out and shit myself and he still wanted to have sex with me that night. Feeling pretty optimistic about where this fling is going.
Dude...I slept walked to the free condom bin in the lounge last night. I don't know why.
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
I'm surprised this is your first encounter with pepper spray. surprised, and somewhat proud.
I taught three men with PhDs how to make a gravity bong last night. I love academia.
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
Randomize
