You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
I hate myself for knowing the words to party in the USA.
What kind of friend are you? You don't even blackout anymore.
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
i can't decided whether the fact that her nipples are bigger then her palms is a problem or not
I feel choking has become trendy-- ita losing its effect. I may just have to go back to missionary to spice it up
Last two new years I ended in jail by 12. Can we wait until its actually 12:02 this time to do something stupid. I'd like to spend the first minute of 2012 free.. At least.
All you kept saying was, " Barack fucking Obama. FUCK Michelle" and then you motorboated me.
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
I can't wait til me and pit bull can just be together
You danced?!
I just jiggle to the beat like a sexy lava lamp
If I could drink as much and have the amount of sex he has at his age, well I'd probably be dead
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
Randomize
