On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
She found 60 bucks at the strip club. Its probabably been in a vagina but really most money probably has
He sprained his penis one time
He was "naked wrestling" and fell off the couch and landed on his erect penis
Obviously a higher power wants us to be sunday drunk together
is there a reason blood came out of my hair in the shower?
head injury at diner. you headbutted the wall a few times because it got in your way
I tried to force my roommate into a sink last night. And I almost won.
So yeah never trust sex tips from yahoo answers
Dude! I just figured out I can successfully hide a 4oz flask between my boobs without endangering my cleavage! College: conquered!
I need to be drunk within 15 minutes of getting home tonight.
ETSY JUST SENT ME AN EMAIL WITH THE SUBJECT "SUMER ROMANCE" I'M BEYOND FUCKING DONE
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
All you need for a happy life is Jameson and slippers
It actually wasn't the first time that a guy I just met ate me out in the back seat of his car in a starbucks parking lot in the middle of the day.
Randomize
