It's so hard to take my boss as an authorative figure with her New Moon movie tickets taped to her wall
I used a physics textbook to prop her up so she wouldn't choke on her vomit...see I have learned something from statics class.
He just went up to bed, still drunk from last night, carrying a pear, a pipe, and an unopened bottle of wine. I think he'll be fine.
Being a responsible DD does not include attempting to coordinate a 4 taxi caravan to bar #3
I don't care. I'll be that guy that eats cake in a car. Alone. With the doors locked.
hold on, were in the kitchen painting a yellow brick road to my vagina on my leg with black light paint.
dont call me baby and dont touch my ears. ITS ALL I ASK
It takes a special kind of man to fart REALLY loudly right before entering a woman and still get some. This has been a state of bootytown address.
I'VE LOST MY DIGNITY, MY PRIDE, AND EVEN MY BOOTY CALL. HAPPY THANKSGIVING.
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
They made Game of Thrones Oreos. Kill me.
Randomize
