you ran into the room and announced "I JUST FUCKED HER IN THE ASS". apparently you forgot she left the bedroom 5 minutes before you and was standing with us all.
We sat in your minivan all night in a parking lot pretending we were in the magic school bus going to the sun
How do you wash franks red hot sauce, whip cream, grapejuice and shame out of silk?
I would just throw it away. You cant just wash out shame, it has to soak for like a month.
I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
I told him I wanted to have sex to "halleluiah", he suggested the poke-rap.
he's the only person i know who can drink himself into and out of alcohol poisoning.
The staff doesn't like it when you try and take your wheelchair for a joy ride since I've been waiting for an hour and a half.
oh, i've got big weekend plans. on an unrelated note, do you think viagra will work if the guy is roofied?
Why is hotel staff askin about the blood in our room
It's a given that you're going to get peed on at a country concert
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
He propositioned me for a threesome once so yeah I'd say he has what it takes to run for public office
Where you been?
Please tell me this is a booty call
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