Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
enterprise is going to pick me up, im too high for this
she's bipolar. she literally has TWO facebook pages. one for each personality. this. bitch. is. crazy.
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
he doesn't drink and he's an emt - he'll be our dd for nye in exchange for a threesome tomorrow afternoon.
all I remember is repeatedly winking at the fire marshall while he was counting the people in the bar
I had to rush to my room and get my vibrator off my bed i didn't want him to know how long it's been since I had a decent fuck.
He whinnies like a horse when he's cumming. I wish I would have known this before we got into a relationship.
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
He's going to be my graduation present to myself.
As we were passing the joint around, people were dunking Jenga pieces in Vaseline and sticking them to the window. I also smoked weed with a girl that was in an above the influence commercial.
i can't believe i'm giving you sex advice.
i've gotten sex advice under stranger situations. like while giving a blowjob behind the communications building.
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
I'm super depressed and stressed and I just want spaghetti and sex...
I think I hear the ice cream truck
I could be going crazy though
NO IT IS THE ICE CREAM TRUCK IT'S ALMOST AT YOUR STOP
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