Do you think there is vodka in heaven?
you let me eat a milky way from your vagina. G is not lettin you hang out for eternity
You were so drunk last night you typed www.face.come/cheese.com as if you were logging into facebook.
So you had sex with my brother?
It sounds like you dont need me to answer that.
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
I could hear them screwing through my bedroom wall again this morning, so I started beat boxing to the tempo.
Eating my shrimp pasta on the porch with a 40, wearing a Hawaiian shirt, proclaiming "I GOT SCRIMPS." I just jumped the shark of college.
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
When confronted with a choice of going home or fucking the band ALWAYS FUCK THE BAND!!
He called yelling about whhhhhhiskey and enchiladas I heard sirens in the background last time I talked to him b
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
I want to have sex in my car again before I put the car seat back in
I always want to see you. Honestly my only hesitation is that my ass is still kind of sore from Sunday 🥺
I peed in my closet, which at the time looked like a sparkly bathroom...
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