bahahahaha i would laugh soo hard if someone did this for me hahahaha this guy would become my best friend
What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
Just shaved my legs with toilet water in a walgreens bathroom. I am so classy.
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
apparently there was a flour fight and couch sex...
Based on the pics I have taken of hookups while they were passed out or sleeping, I have scientifically concluded that no two vagina lips are the same. They are like snowflakes.
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
the gays at disneyland are vicious
I guess? According to Jeff his mom is wondering when the grand babies will arrive. So I don't think they like ME so much as my supposed functioning uterus
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
It's cool bro. The video I have of you drunk trying to fix it with the sonic screwdriver was worth it.
went back to my college bar last night. Bar tender doesn't remember my name but remembers me as margarita girl...I'm not even mad though
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
Wanna buy a dildo with me during your lunch break tomorrow?
Randomize
