so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
I have so much shit FLYING through my head. They're all in magic carpets and everything
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
Her eyebrows were plucked so thin that she had to have gonorrhea. Clean girls just don't pluck that way
I am here to underwhelm you with my vagina
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
I hoped the great care he put into rolling a blunt would translate to my vagina.
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
I finally had to say "that's the hole where I pee" for him to understand.
He complimented the perfect handprints you left on each of my ass cheeks.Thanks.
You had me at "let me see your balls"
You go to class with the flu but don't go when it rains... Get your shit together
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
Randomize
