When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
I am at The Loft in SoNo, and there are two girls within arms reach that are making out with each other AGGRESIVELY. Like I can see 100% of a boob
For future reference, this is Trevors little sisters phone now. Trevs number is 484 XXX XXXX. Great story tho
I haven't shaved so I have to behave myself. I'm going to do this from now on.
you need to know that there is a kid here wearing an i mosh for Jesus shirt
Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
he's like a stage 5 clinger and he won't even fuck me. he has to be gay. my personality isn't really THAT great.
they were having a wine tasting so i tasted every wine...then knocked over an entire display of gourmet olives and was asked to leave... but they still let me buy my 6 bottles of wine before escorting me out
This girl ordered Hershey syrup and red wine and he made it for her
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
the liver wants what the liver wants
Please tell me that all of the things I remember doing last night didn't really happen. Please.
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
All I've done today is nap, eat candy and get off from my vibrator. I didn't know it was possible to be THIS single.
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
Randomize
